Pastels and Prisms
A couple days after I started my new job at Blumz as their new social media manager and all-around marketing bitch, a notification popped up in our feed. Tagged photo. We had made a bouquet for a photoshoot, the photos were rolling in. That photoshoot was Marriage is a Disaster, directed by Mikki.
My chest did that thing where it fluttered a bit, my senses heightened. I found the concept hilarious and incredible, I was inspired. I guess I knew that people did these kinds of things—came up with a concept and then brought it to life—but I’d been so stuck in the idea of photographing weddings and creating marketing material that it caught me by surprise.
I gave Mikki a follow and took joy in watching her posts pop up. It feels like a constant stream of creativity—something I’m trying to cultivate myself these days. When she posted that she was putting together another photoshoot, I signed up. I didn’t even really care what it was, I just wanted in. Despite my introverted ways, I’ve been craving a creative community and saying “yes” to opportunities when they’ve arisen. The same energy that led to Pastels and Prisms had me driving to Cleveland for Side Project Sessions a month previous. It’s vulnerable to admit, but I’m proud of myself for honoring the pull to these events. It wasn’t too long ago that I would have given in to the arms-long list of reasons why not instead.
It wasn’t too long ago that I would have given in to the arms-long list of reasons why not instead.
I woke up that morning in my friend Hannah’s bed—she was up north, so I babysat her two dogs and two cats. I had one dog on each side of me, buried under the covers, one cat on my pillow behind my head, and another on the opposite side of the bed, claiming the top corner. We got up, went outside, ate breakfast, and lounged on the couch for a bit before I decided I should probably go to the gym. I’ve been tricking myself into going to the gym specifically to shower, not wanting to mess with trying to shower in the RV or go in the house. The idea is actual exercise is more likely to happen once I get there. This method has had a success rate of possibly 2%, but it has worked. Listening to Lizzo on the elliptical helps, too.
As I was leaving the gym to go to the shoot, it occurred to me that this is what all my days are going to look like once I build the life I want. Help a friend, cuddle with some animals, be kind to my body, create something. Rinse, repeat.
I knew I was in the right spot when I saw the beacons of glitter on beautiful faces. I was a little anxious, because that’s what I do, but my “go with the flow” attitude was in place, too. We all gathered under the pavilion at MSU Tollgate Farm and Education Center, a rack full of beautiful gowns and a box full of props, cameras at the ready.
It was all rather anticlimactic, really. Slowly, people paired off to find locations they liked, shutters clicking. The grounds of the farm are expansive and beautiful, I quickly lost sight of most of our group.
When I did weddings, my biggest goal was to make the couple feel like I wasn’t there. That they were just enjoying these stolen moments together on their Big Day. I did minimal posing, just let the lovers do as they felt.
This… this was not that.
Despite feeling completely out of my element, and probably being too honest about that, I really enjoyed working with the models. Sarah, Alyssa, Kara, and Mikki made the whole process feel easy. I surprised myself a handful of times with ideas for how I wanted them to pose, the look I discovered I wanted. It was collaborative. It was interesting, too, to see the other photographers work. See what they were attracted to. It made me eager to see the final shots. Even though we all had the same resources to work with, I knew there would be a vast array of images. I wasn’t wrong.
It wasn’t until I got into editing that I was truly grateful I had gone to the event. I had fun and it was good to meet all of these beautifully creative people, but even as I was leaving I felt unsettled. I wasn’t sure I got anything good, anything that I liked and would consider my “style”. I replayed the awkward things I said. I felt bad about not working with more of the models, too timid to just introduce myself and shoot.
Anxiety, still.
But… I did get shots that I liked. That I felt proud of, even. Portfolio worthy. I stayed up until one in the morning putting the finishing touches on the few photos that needed some Photoshop manipulation, then created full layouts that I could post on instagram in the morning. I posted them all before noon, algorithm be damned.
And it felt good.
It felt good to make things with other people, just to make. It felt good to go through the entire process, then be done with it. It stoked my creative fire. And I’m very grateful to Mikki for putting everything together, and to everyone else for showing up.
Including me.